life isn't fair

a stillness and peace funny sudden and then knowing the fever dreams were fever dreams and what once seemed so serious makes no sense, made no sense, will never make any sense

was so important, so real, and now is hard to name

those mistakes
made like tight beds
could lie on them for days
could curl on them
caress the top cover
admire the printed patterns
could crawl into them and disappear

could just stop making them
those mistakes
leave the bed deliciously messy
move on

my mother made me mad one day before supper
I went into my shared room to cry and cry
I was on my bed crying
till I cried myself to cocooning sleep

broke through hours later
dizzy from the time
the weighted night so foreign

she asked if I wanted a treat and served one
and all was right with the world
salt caked on cheeks
in my little turtleneck and pants
in a bungalow in Edmonton
dried out and shaky from too many tears

all was right with the world as she smiled
with a love
I'll likely never know again
but that I knew
that at least I knew once